Lost and Marred

Music for this journal entry:
Blind Guardian - Doom
Wintersun - Sons of Winter and Stars
Amon Amarth - We Shall Destroy - _{be warned that this one is a bit heavier than the last two, might not suit everyone's tastes... for the people that aren't so familiar with metal}

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Hello, dear reader.  

It's been a long while since I've written another Journal Entry. Over four months, in fact. I've bottled up quite a bit of feelings and thoughts for this Journal Entry after so long, and I have a hunch this is not going to be a particularly happy read. My apologies in advance for that. But this Entry will still be an important one, because I have to put down my new year's resolutions, and also look through which resolutions I finished for last year. I will get through with that part first, so if you're only interested in what kinds of promises I'll make for this year to myself and maybe even in comparing my resolutions with yours, you can quickly get that underway and kick this journal entry outta your inbox. After the resolutions, I'll be ranting. And for that reason, I will most likely do memes in the next journal entry, when I'm not feeling so down, emotionally. Fun and complaints do not mix at all. But enough for the intro, let us quickly move on to the resolutions.

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Like last year, I will first present to you what I promised to myself at the beginning of last year (that twists the tongue). But I didn't manage to fulfill every resolution like I did in 2015... then again, I had only 3 resolutions set for 2015, whereas for this year, I had 10. I'll put check bullets in front of the resolutions I managed to fulfill throughout 2016. I'll also explain some of the resolutions to achieve some clarity, both for you, dear reader, and myself.

 Improve even more in art.
 Keep up activity on dA!
 Make sure there is a drawing to show for every month!
 Participate in Inktober.
 Figure out what's up with my mental state - find things that I can fix and others that I should improve.
 Take it easy. I mustn't overwork myself and I must relax whenever given the chance.
 Write a new song, at last.
 Gather courage.
 Get a guitar and start practicing.
 Support my friends whenever they need it!

Well, what can I say. In my opinion, I managed to fulfill half of my resolutions... which is not so bad in my case. I did improve in art, and the three checks in front of the Inktober resolution should prove it! Granted, 2016 was a shit year in art for me, because I only managed to create like 4 digital drawings. However, it should be around 50 in the land of traditional art... mainly thanks to Inktober, once again, with its 31 drawings. But, as you all probably know, I didn't manage to upload or properly draw every month last year, and I don't really put on dates on my traditional art, so I failed the drawing for every month resolution... which means I didn't get to do the drawing summary meme like I did for 2015 (even though there was one month missing there as well). All in all, not quite sure what to think about the amount of art I managed to make last year, but I did improve... so not all is lost when it comes to my art, I hope. My activity on dA has been passive, because I didn't upload many things in 2016 at all, but at the very least, I've mostly kept up with my usual flow in my inbox and been online almost daily. That's pretty amazing in my case, given my tight and self-destructive schedule.

My mental state is a more difficult matter... 2016 was a rollercoaster for me. There were times when I was really content, happy and carefree, and there were times when I felt like I was drowned in a sea of tar, above which floats thick mist. Unfortunately, I must admit that my current state leans towards the latter... and it has been that way since December 2016. But I'll get back to that later. As for taking it easy. I failed. I failed hard. And I'm not feeling well because of that. Didn't manage to write a song either, but the reason why I couldn't do that lies in the mental state and taking it easy resolutions. I think those resolutions are also "responsible" for my crappy year in art... and my mental state links back to my courage, which I still can't muster in the necessary situations. But again, more about that later.

The last resolution about supporting my friends may be subjective, and I'm never sure what my friends think because obviously, I'm not a mind reader... but I like to think I did everything in my power to support y'all. You're awesome and you always deserve support from every cardinal direction. ;w;

Now... on to the new resolutions. I'll also set 10 resolutions for 2017, with the expectations I'll finish at least half of them, like I did in 2016. And half of these will be related to the resolutions I didn't manage to finish last year...

 Keep improving in art.
 Do something productive in October again, perhaps a lesser version of Inktober (since I made quite detailed drawings daily in October 2016 and that didn't go very well with school at all... except the fact I could drop my boring school project and make Inktober into my school project instead, which is pretty much done, I just have to write an analysis), or a self-set event that keeps me going for my personal sake.
 Try hard to have a drawing to show for every month in 2017.
 My mental state. It'd be nice if I could detangle the mess it has turned into.
 Try hard to finally write a new song. I have my very own guitar now, it should be easier that way, too...
 Take it easy. Relax. Find a way to lessen the self-destructive effects my current schedule brings.
 Keep gathering courage. I almost succeeded in some situations last year, but not enough. I need more courage.
 Keep supporting my friends whenever they need it!
 Finish a certain painting on my wardrobe before July, a deadline set by my Mother. She expressed the desire to paint on the remaining, still empty panel, but I have plans for it and in order to prove I have good ones, I have to finish the painting before her set deadline.
 Keep guitar practice steady. And sing more often, too.

I aim to work hard (but at the same time, keeping the "take it easy" resolution in mind... it's going to be tricky, but for me, there is no other way) to fulfill at least half of these. That's my primary goal for 2017.

Now that I've written my resolutions down, I'll just move on to the edgier part of this Journal Entry. I simply feel like there are some thoughts that I have to pour out of my mind before I explode in a random moment in my daily life.

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Right. So. I'll try to be honest with you, dear reader, and perhaps most importantly, myself. Since the beginning of December, I've felt somber. The reasons behind that are various... I had a lovely November and an amazing birthday, but when December began, everything went downhill. At one time during my folk class, I was practising a certain beautiful, yet difficult dance. My folk dance classes last for two hours, on Mondays and Wednesdays. Since school usually ends at 14.15 or with the new timetable, at 15.40, I have quite some time until folk dance class begins, which is at 16.00. But because I live far from the school, I cannot return home before folk dance class. The classes take place at the same school I study in, too. So essentially, I stay at school longer than anyone else. And it would seem that I get to blow off steam at my folk dance classes after a hard school day... but in truth, that day, I blew steam off in a very embarrassing way. And when I dance, I don't feel like I truly blow off steam either. It's... just not enough. Because often, I don't even manage to finish my homework before I return home... so I have to do it after folk dance class, when I feel pretty much too tired for anything. So that often results in naps after I've finally arrived home, which postpones homework into the late evening, forcing me to go to sleep late and wake up exhausted. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. But back to my burst of emotion back in that folk dance class. Well, at certain points in the dance, we were split into groups of three. I was in a trio with two very skilled and experienced dancers, but they also have high expectations. I'm not good at sports, never have been, and dancing is also a sport. I got that part of the dance wrong so many times and I got a lot of scolding from those two because of that. I tried to swallow it down, but when I tried really hard to get it right, running backwards in a circular motion... I tripped and fell. I was instantly asked if I was okay, but physically, I didn't even feel any significant pain. What got hurt was my pride, and I silently walked to the stage (where we dancers keep our stuff) of the assembly hall (where we dance) and drank some water in the sudden silence among the crowd. Then I'm not sure what happened, but I got really upset. I went into a corner and burst into tears. I haven't been this embarrassed in a while. A fellow dancer came up to me and attempted to calm me down. She told me how this was a dance that puts the dancers to the test, makes a challenge. But I don't like these kinds of challenges. I'm tired of challenges. Of course, I didn't tell that to her face, but that was the only thing I was able to think of at that moment. And I felt so embarrassed that I kept silently crying in bouts until the end of the lesson. I haven't cried like that for a long time. It felt very awkward. I think I made everyone feel awkward.

The comments I received throughout December about my current state of life did not help either. I described my full daily routine as part of a marked assignment to my Spanish teacher at some point, only to hear from her that I have too many things going on. I won't argue with her. And now I don't remember how I got into this mess in the first place. Is it because of my pathological diligence ever since 7th grade, to do every single assignment and homework at the cost of my sleep? Is this because I'm easily swayed by activities that seem interesting, so that I happen to tie myself down to them so thoroughly that I regret it later on? Is this why I keep giving empty promises for things that truly matter to me? I no longer remember. At the beginning of the winter school break, my Mother remarked that both my l'il sis and I have been losing sense of happiness in life/buoyancy/cheerfulness/whatever every passing school year. Is this part of growing up? If so, I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

Another matter is me once having decided to be sober. Literally. I refuse to drink any alcohol because of what happened in my past. Does this mean I judge people who drink? Not at all. I can smell people whose lives are being destroyed by alcohol from a mile away, and I have no quarrel with those who don't get affected so badly. In fact, I have no quarrel with self-destructive drunks either, as long as I don't have to be personally involved with them. I only know this because so far, I've lived with drunkards for the majority of my life. There's a difference between drunkards and alcoholics. But neither can understand why I can't bring myself to drink. It's just not my thing. I turned 18 in November 2016. I went to a party related to the folk dance group and turned down alcohol three times during the party, feeling guilty every time. For Estonians, people that do not drink even a sip of alcohol are bizarre. Alien. It's not normal. And I feel bad for it, even though I shouldn't.

When I look in the mirror, I do not like what I see. The reflection that stares back is not me. I can't see that as myself. My body and my spirit don't recognise each other, they're separate entities. When I imagine my physical appearance, I like to see a cheerful, pretty, brown-haired and raisin-eyed girl that loves to laugh. When I look in the mirror, I see an exhausted, serious, baggy-eyed and weary shell that simply grinds her teeth and tries to simply survive every passing day with the schedule she's made for herself. I don't know where girls my age get the energy to stare into the mirror and cover their faces with makeup. I only use the mirror to cure my sensitive skin that's already been marred from all the stressed scratching throughout the years. I avoid looking myself in the eyes when I look in the mirror.

My spirit itself often feels full of anguish. Full of spiritual scars. I think it resembles rags more than a real spirit. In my imagination, other spirits are smooth, light and beautiful. Mine looks like a wraith whose skin it wears as clothes is in rags.

I don't want to go back to school. I have to pretend that I'm happy again. Sometimes, I'm so good at pretending that I believe I'm happy. But I don't think I am. I feel like I'm dancing close to an abyss, from which no one can ever climb out of.

I am my own best friend. Literally. I'm bad at socialising. I have many acquaintances in real life, but very few friends. My friends from basic school and real life in general don't have time for me and because of that, I avoid taking any initiative. In fact, I avoid taking initiative in most things that concerns people. I'm not brave. I wish I was braver. Because of this, my only true friends are my family and friends I've met over the Internet. Friends that are so close, yet so far away. I want to meet them in person someday.

I'm lonely. But not in the socialising way. I love being alone. It gives me time to think. But I've never been truly alone, ever. I've shared a room with someone my entire life. The only times I've been able to sleep truly separately is at my gamer-bro's. I feel at peace whenever I get to be alone. Yet still, I crave for a romantic relationship. I'm envious of those people who are younger than me and have girlfriends/boyfriends/whateverfriends. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a lover. Call me old-fashioned, I dare you. Lover is a much more beautiful word than "boyfriend". I crave for someone who makes me feel safe, in whose arms I won't ever doubt. I even considered making finding such a person into a resolution, but these things don't happen by planning, now do they?

I'm lost. I have no idea what I'll be doing after high school. I can't decide. Art? The amount of art I get to make each year is depressing. It almost makes me feel as if I'm not truly interested in it. Sometimes, I draw. But more often, I do not. Music is different. I rarely make music, but I listen to music daily. Is this enough to go ahead and keep studying in a music school? I don't think so. I've never excelled at anything. I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. This is the reason why I never win any olympiads or contests either, even though I keep being told how smart and wise and talented I am. But in what? I've also considered psychology, but won't that make me more depressed than I already am? Besides, before becoming a psychologist, I'd have to go through university. The faintest idea of getting more education after high school irks me. I already loathe studying now. It's pointless to me. It's stressful and not enjoyable at all. The second history course that's about to continue after this break ends is not helping. I think I will vomit when I have to write into that cursed history notebook again. This teacher doesn't know how to teach history at all. We have to listen to her boring prattle all lesson and do the writing at home. I hate this.

And I don't know what I want to do after high school. I don't want to go straight to work, because with my education, I can only be a cleaning lady or a vendor at the local grocery store or something. That's boring. Mundane. Yet I don't want to keep studying any of the "higher causes" either, since nothing truly interests me. And I don't want to pick something I know I'll grow to hate by studying it too much. I think I might vomit if I did that. And I would hate myself endlessly, too.

Maybe I'll do nothing special for one year after high school ends. Wait, no, I will do something. Go to preparatory studies in either art, music or psychology. Or all of them. Maybe I'll get an idea. But I'm not sure. The only thing I've been the best at is daydreaming. But because I've been so preoccupied with school and all the hobby classes I've picked that I haven't even had any time to express my daydreams through art, writing or song. I'm already getting the impression that my priorities are in the wrong place, but you can't do shit in this country without going through high school first. And I'm not either entrepreneurial or smart enough to have made a personal thing after the end of basic school, that would have allowed me to sell something that I could make. So I'm just skidding through high school, trying my best to make sure all that I've taken up is done perfectly. I hate that part of myself.

I also get the impression that nothing interesting ever happens in my life. I know that's not true. Just recently, I set up a D&D campaign with a couple of good friends, and I was amazed by my initiative to do it. I hope it goes well, unlike most other things I've taken up throughout my life. But honestly, the knowing that my favourite activities are gaming, socialising via computer, reading books and daydreaming, which essentially, are things that I do by myself in real life, is kind of depressing, especially when I hear all the intriguing stories people pull from their real lives. Why does everyone's life seem that much more interesting than mine? I've gone to parties. Nothing interesting happens there. Or maybe I'm doing something wrong. But I don't want to get drunk. It doesn't seem very interesting. And people around me don't want to discuss feelings. I want friends in real life that I could discuss weird, abstract stuff with, but I can't find such people, because I don't have the initiative, the courage to do find any. Maybe I'd feel less lonely if I had more people like that in my life.

In the summer, I could discuss such things with my guitar teacher. I was amazed how familiar he was with me. It's like I was speaking to a friend I had known forever. My Mother even called him my guardian angel for some time. I don't believe in biblical matters, but nor does my Mother, so she didn't mean it in that way. She simply saw that I was happy whenever I met him. But then he left for Europe, to tour around. I don't blame him, that's a really cool opportunity. He wasn't back for September and I wrote an email to him. He told me he's still all around Europe, not back yet. He said he'd write back in the beginning of October. He didn't. Maybe he forgot. That's alright, rapid travelling can really boggle a person's mind. Should I try to contact him again on my own, even though it's long past October? Especially now that I have a guitar of my very own? I'm still gathering courage, yet can't bring myself to write a small message to him. I've been gathering courage for two months now. Still not enough.

Tomorrow, I have to prepare for school again. I don't want to go back.

Call me old-fashioned, I dare you once more. A schoolmate once accused me of being old-fashioned. Was it because I often wear tight skirts, combed ponytails and glasses at school? I'm too tired to do anything about it either. I don't like my daily appearance, but it's how I've always dressed up, because my Mother finds it practical. She's always focused on practicality rather than beauty. The skirts were my idea, but my wardrobe has a horrendous amount of tight skirts. I like loose ones more. But I don't have many of them. And I'm way too tired to rummage through my wardrobe like most other girls my age do.

I'm only telling you all this because I said I would rant, and rant real good. I wanted to get rid of the mess that gathered into my head, maybe clarify my mind a bit. I do feel better after writing all this down. Reading this might give you the impression that I've led a terribly depressive life. It's not really true. It's not always been like this. There have been good things throughout 2016 as well. But the negative thoughts that I've kept piled up inside myself have been tormenting me for too long, and I had to throw these out of my mind before it's too late.

Um, yeah. I think all the important negative thoughts finally ran out. It's half past 4 AM. It's my final chance to stay up this late before school starts and I get tormented by early mornings again. I'm going to bed now. I don't expect compassion or sympathy. I'm relatively fine. My physical health has been better than never before. It's just that I think I don't know how my mental or emotional health is. It's scary to live in the unknown.

Also, all of this rant might explain why I've been so hesitant with uploading any art. I'm sorry about that. My mind has been preoccupied with too many other things. And I don't have the energy or will to do any creative stuff, as much as I hate to admit it. My apologies to everyone I've promised art for. These were empty promises. I might never fulfill them. Not when new ideas that I cannot fulfill either keep taking the old ones' places. I'm stuck in an endless loop of desperation and I don't need sympathy. I need solutions, but I cannot find these on my own.

I don't want to look this text over. I'll just let it be here. Sorry about all the typos I didn't look over. I'll be honestly amazed if you read all of this through. Not like you'll gain much from it but... maybe you'll understand why I can barely squeeze any creativity out of myself. So I just keep leeching from video games and music and books and films, unable of making anything of my own.

The rant part of this Journal Entry is a total mess. I'm embarrassed. I might delete this later.

But I'll think about that tomorrow. And maybe cringe. Cringe a lot. But that's alright, because I put my thoughts out there, out of my head. It's much more easier to breathe without this all of this emotional burden. Writing helps me breathe.

Good day/night, dear reader.

~Deery