heyoo, dear reader! _{and sorry if you've been tagged unexpectedly in a resolution journal}

2019 has fallen, and 2020 has risen! so while everyone smacks each other in the hot debate whether the new decade begins now or in 2021, to me the roaring 20's have already begun! let's bring back flappers, the mafia and general chaos!

but no, I jest... except for the flapper part. I'd love to be a flapper. anyway! every year, I write a resolution journal, so why would this one be any different? I think I'll run through the resolutions first, make some new ones and then reflect back on 2019 a little.

 Set up my web comic series, "They Who Remember". Draw concepts and pages and hopefully get it running.
 Now would be a good time to record covers and share them somewhere. Maybe this year I can even write some actual songs.
 Get my ass into some study institution. I'm hoping the local uni. I would like to begin with getting an actual profession. I know that I'm too slow for retail or the like. I gotta plan ahead and make sure I don't end up in the wrong place, else it'll be the spite-hate cycle all over again.
 Continue wardrobe painting, if not finish. Always a nice project to work on.
 Seek help for a better sleep schedule and derma.

as usual, the amount of resolutions that I've actually fulfilled is meager... but I don't seem to make these resolutions with a concrete intent to fulfill them. they are always more or less... directions, in which my life should flow haha. and, for 2019, I made 5 resolutions rather than 10, so that I could focus on more concrete goals... some of them were real fillers haha. but as for the resolutions themselves...

well, I actually made great progress with "They Who Remember"! I managed to write down the entire plot of the first long story, and I began thumbnailing the prologue! I've written and sketched many concepts by now... and I'm really inspired to work on this! I hope that inspiration doesn't run out anytime soon... maybe this year, I can even release the prologue and a chapter or two! my main sources of motivation have been 's amazing webcomic "Doe of Deadwood" that finished in 2019, and 's slowly unravelling (but still awesome) webcomic "Golden Shrike", so a major shoutout to these artists both! Songdog has new cool series running and I'm looking forward to the continuation of "Golden Shrike"! granted, my comic's gonna look nothing like those two fine series about deer, which is pretty ironic, but they continue inspiring me all the same.

as for my musical endeavours, I've been writing songs! I still haven't managed to record any covers, as I dropped guitar the moment my performance in May ended... which was kind of stupid of me, but I've been way more interested in singing. I do need to remind myself my guitar techniques though... I really have no other instrumentalist than myself, and I'm gonna need my own guitar skills for the time I start recording either covers or my own songs
I do have an album idea by now though, along with a lovely repertoire of songs that I've gathered over the years. it's really useful to write even just one stanza or a few verses down every now and then, 'cause it can always sprout to be something more. my album's gonna be called "havin a party w/ the ghosts", and it's gonna be themed around... me and my friends. as I'm not very outgoing, I primarily talk to peeps on the Net, and very rarely go out to meet with people in the physical realm. maybe I just don't vibe with the people in my smalltown, maybe I'm just shy... talking to my family here and friends overseas is often enough. but it does give way to a bit of a lonely feeling, since the people I do vibe with are very far away and I have no ways to meet them. but even if they aren't here, they have still impacted my life a great deal and taught me a lot. it's gonna be an album about Internet friendship, and how it can often be realer than desperately seeking the affection of local people I cannot even get near to, emotionally. one good day, I'll surely beat this loneliness, either by finding a few hidden gems around here or meeting my far-away friends... but till then, I'm happy with the beloved friends I do have and I want to cherish them. that's what this album is about.
in last year's journal, I said I thought I'd lost a friend. in truth, I was just too shocked, I overthought it. this year, I lost a friend for real, and it wasn't in my control... again, there is nothing I could have done. but, I also regained the friend I thought I'd lost last year. the fallout this year in the summer was much harder than the previous one... because my beloved friend of 8 years just needed time to heal and learn. so did I. our parting was peaceful, though... it was very surprising to get a message from her on my birthday, almost a year later. we felt a bit nervous at first, but we vibed instantly right after! haha... she truly is my best friend. soilmate 4 lyfe... I'm really happy about the turn of events. even though I lost another friend, I got her back and gained two more great friends via ESO (yes, Pulla and Nova)! life always takes something, but also gives something back. I find a lot of peace in that~

ANYWAY... train of thoughts aside, it's only logical I made the best progress in education haha. I excel with that, though uni is pretty tough in grading... I probably won't be an honour student anymore, but if that means I won't have to overstudy ever again, I'm fine with that.

and that goddarn wardrobe painting. usually, I managed to do at least something each summer. I astral projected on this one so I just sorta forgot to work on it. I still have that dragon to paint.

I'm still not very good with seeking help... but my skin and sleep schedule were pretty fine around the end of summer and beginning of autumn. until finals neared and everything went to shit LOL. I'm sure I can get it back at some point though. I've been honing my skin care skills (yes that is totally a real thing) and I try to be a bit more responsible with my sleep schedule... though RPing on ESO has me staying up late on some nights hahaha. oh well. if it gets too bad, I can still think about seeking out a therapist or somesuch. thankfully, I always have the support of Deermom. she's amazing.

anyway, ramblings aside! it's time for new resolutions! making 5 again because 10 is too much.

 Finish thumbing the prologue and first chapters of "Those Who Remember" and release 'em! Continue working on the project~
 Release the album "havin a party w/ the ghosts"!
 Get a tarot deck and a grimoire and start jotting down rituals for the wheel of the year! Maybe even do the rituals themselves.
 Wardrobe painting. It's a meme at this point. One day I'll finish it for sure.
 Just pass thru uni and never fall back into the abyss of overstudying.

aww yiss. to comment on the witchy resolution... yes I'm gonna be a witch. yes "grimoire" and "rituals" are horrible-looking words but in reality, those are nothing more but a notebook and spiritual habits that I wanna incorporate into my life. recently, I saw a really cool comprehensive post on tumblr about Yule rituals. I wanted to do it but I didn't have the tools. burning different-coloured candles for spiritual purposes... like heck yeah. plus most of these routines are perfect for self-centering and meditation. those things are very useful for stressful periods in life, as they give a positive outlet for stress. to me, witchy stuff is more like a pastime rather than a religious thing... I just like the idea haha.

and now... I'll look back to some of the more significant events in my 2019. well, ESO was certainly one of them... I met and thru ESO (and Discord), among many more good people that haven't stuck in the RP community, but with whom I've had great times nevertheless! making friends is a rocky road... but very worth it. I hope to continue these friendships and find new ones along the way~
I also went to Finland for the first time in the summer! then I gave two musical performances that are already getting closer to the real thing of how I want to perform... I also finished two of my very first commissions! it was a very successful and productive year, all in all!

and finally, I finished an absolutely amazing adventure with R3D (offsite) and Cas () in WoW in September! I've been a lazy bean and haven't done art in honour of it yet, but our adventure spanned over a year and many zones and dungeons! it was a RP-style adventure where my night elf druid Naieelie, Cas' draenei priest Oriel and R3D's worgen mage Leverette bonded over many a perilous situation. they all lost a lot, but they also gained so much. it was seriously beautiful and I still think of it fondly. I also made a whole slideshow with our best screenies... but I'm not sure if I should share it? if there's interest, lemme know LOL. in any case, I want to thank them both for an unforgettable experience in the MMO I've played the longest... I will always cherish these memories!!! now we will continue our 2-year-old D&D campaign (that we put on hiatus for WoW) with my stupid tiefling bard daughter Cinnabar Warsong, Cas' aarakocra druid Keeta and R3D's dragonborn paladin Vyseth. many more fun adventures await in 2020!!

have a beautiful day/night and a lovely 2020, dear reader!

~Deery

greetings, dear reader!

once again, I return from the void to write a journal entry every few months

I got tagged twice by (one new, one ancient) & once by (also ancient)

sorry I got around to it just now, I finally found the motivation and I do realise I don't have to draw them myself when I can use stuff already available to me

here are the rules

Rules:
1. Post all rules.
2. Write 8 facts about your character.
3. Tag 8 people. (You can tag back)
4. Write the name of the character with its owner

first I will do my newest tag, Nelaren Llethi, the nerd

1) I headcanon that most apostles willingly have their limbs amputated in order to replace them with more perfect metal ones. Only Nelaren's right arm is artificial, and he had lost it during one of his exams centered on building fabricants when he was a kid. Unfortunately, his fabricant ran haywire and sliced his arm clear off. It traumatised him enough so that he doesn't want to replace any of his limbs ever again. If asked, he will explain with things like "perfection can never be achieved" and "we were given our natural bodies for a reason". It's unclear if he uses them rather as an excuse or if he truly believes in that.
2) Through the course of his life, he will be in a poly relationship with Galeriel and another male dunmer, a flirty Morag Tong assassin (I haven't given him a name yet).
3) However, only Galeriel will end up as Nelaren's lifelong partner. They will have twins. The female twin would have Galeriel's skin tone and antlers, but Nelaren's eyes, hair colour and aptitude for engineering. The male twin would have Nel's skin, but Galeriel's eyes, hair colour and optimistic, carefree disposition. The son would be notably shorter than most Dunmer, despite looking Dunmer, and break almost every machine he would touch. His sister would be significantly more serious and would frequent the Clockwork City, aiding her father's research.
4) Initially, Galeriel and Nelaren live together in Elden Root in a single graht-oak pod, at the time their relationship is still fresh. Later they would travel Morrowind together and meet the dunmer assassin. They would frequent taverns and Nelaren's stray holdings throughout mainland Morrowind. Finally, once Galeriel and Nelaren would settle down in the distant, distant future, they would move into the former Gorinir Estate that Galeriel obtained through her adventures in Grahtwood.
5) Nelaren has a huge aversion to authorities, including Lord Seht himself. The Brass Fortress has a very merciless education system, especially those that are naturally curious and want to succeed, like Nelaren. Through great suffering, Nelaren achieved what Seht wanted out of him. Together with Galeriel, they also managed to save Seht from Nocturnal's invasion. This brought Nelaren into Seht's inner circle, as much as that is possible. Not even Nelaren fully understands the motives of the Father of Mysteries, naturally, but if anything else, Nelaren has a subtle love-hate disposition towards Seht. He still looks up to Sotha Sil's genius, but dislikes his pickiness when it comes to who gets a good life in Clockwork City. Which brings to...
6) Nelaren regularly aiding the people of Slag Town. He is well aware, especially after being displaced into Morrowind for a time, that Clockwork City is nothing but Sotha Sil's idea of a perfect Nirn, Tamriel Final, Annuvanna'si, what have you. He knows that a utopia and a dystopia have little difference, and so he helps all the people that have been forced into living in the most uncomfortable area of the Clockwork City that is Slag Town.
7) Nelaren in general opposes the racist and elitist ideals of the dunmer. He believes everyone deserves equal chances.
8) Despite his past accident with the fabricant, he still builds them and has a few as his protectors. However, he is more wary around fabricants than most. He believes that fabricants are very similar to beasts on the mainland. You built it, yes, but it is still wild and unpredictable. In that regard, he also believes that fabricants have minds of their own, despite appearing as simple robots at first glance.

now to the ancient tags, Snow and Deerth. thankfully, I have a drawing of both of them


aaaaaand finally, DEERTH

1) It is genderless. Despite that, I refer to it as "her" sometimes, simply out of habit.
2) It is also less of an animal and more of a spirit. It is unclear why it took on a cervine appearance, though it makes sense that it could probably transform into anything it wanted to. However, that deer form seems to be its favoured form, and so no one has seen this spirit in any other shape.
3) It insists that if you must write its name, you must write it DEERTH and no other way. We all say Deerth anyway because it's comfortable for us.
4) This spirit doesn't seem to do much besides observing. Its purpose is unclear, but it tends to linger in places for unknown reasons.
5) As a spirit, it is intangible and thus cannot be physically harmed.
6) I haven't drawn it in a million years and I totally should.
7) It's probably my guardian spirit sjdgksdgkjdsng
8) I'm running out of ideas, because DEERTH is an abstract concept more than a character. You could say it's one of my "sonas", and it does bring me comfort... but above all, this character/concept is purposefully intangible, abstract and mysterious. That's my basis for creating it, and it represents the parts of me others do not know. That's also why I feel it can represent me so well. An intangible being that you can try to unravel bit by bit, but the truth of the matter remains - no person can ever be unravelled entirely. We are all explorers in a world of mysteries.

anyway sorry if I got too woke at any point of this meme snjghskjdgsdjkgjsdg
oki tag time hmm

1) - Oriel!!
2) - Leverette!!
3) whoever else wants to tag themselves, I don't want to tag back and I haven't properly spoken to people on dA in decades so I wouldn't know if it's decent to tag anyone else snbdgsdhjbgsdhjg, just playin it safe

anyway that's the end of today's rambles after like 5 months

GO WITH MY BLESSINGS, FLYYYY YOU FOOOLS

nah jk, have beautiful day/night, dear reader!   

~Deery

Hellooo!

It is time for my annual resolution journal! Since 2016, I've made 10 resolutions for every year that I always forget in the year anyway... and well, time has proven that I am not capable of fulfilling 10 resolutions to perfection, many of which are very broad and could take several years to achieve. So this year, I'll just check what I managed to do last year and then make some resolutions that really, really matter for 2019.

 Keep improving in art AND music!
 Try to have a drawing to show for every month in 2018! (ecks dee I have too many hobbies for this, I think it's time to resign to the fact that I simply cannot churn out a complete art piece every month)
 Erase some doubts, cope with compulsions and fight against procrastination! (procrastination was not a problem to begin with. I'm always busy, always on the move to being inspired and productive. compulsions are another issue that need a different approach. but I do admit that I doubt less!)
 Write songs! (//cri this is something I really really want to do, but creating songs as an inexperienced musician with not much knowledge of theory and not a good grasp on my instrument is hard. I'm not gonna abandon this tho)
 Take it easy! The year of recovery and rest is upon me, after all! (somehow I did it. I don't know how I managed to beat back my perfectionism, but somehow I did it.)
 Gather more courage and keep improving my skill of initiative! (yes, I am more courageous now. my skill of initiative is better, but still lacking.)
 Keep supporting the frands! Always and evermore! (I'm doing my best, but I think I lost a friend this year as well. ah well. this is one of the things I don't have complete control of)
 Finish the big painting on the wardrobe at last. (I think it'll be a project for every summer at this point lmao. I did manage to continue the center part tho! I'm working on it slowly, but surely)
 Develop a healthy and productive routine after high school ends. (it's as productive as can be, for the current situation. is it healthy? probably not either, but I'm still adjusting. I'm working on both aspects)
 Fix my sleep schedule... 'prolly also after high school ends. (losing old habits is... harder than I thought)

2/10 resolutions I feel that have truly succeeded. This is definitely tearier than last year, but strangely enough, I don't feel any worse for the wear. 2018 was a learning experience. I regained my will to enjoy all that life has to offer... and once high school ended, I was truly able to see that there's more to everything than it seems at first. I rekindled old passions, but towards new winds. I want to live and experience, take it all in. I am cherishing the current time. 2019 will probably be harder than 2018, in many aspects... but in a different way. All I need to do now is be ready for it. That is why I'm setting my few, more or less realistic resolutions to stone now.

 Set up my web comic series, "They Who Remember". Draw concepts and pages and hopefully get it running.
 Now would be a good time to record covers and share them somewhere. Maybe this year I can even write some actual songs.
 Get my ass into some study institution. I'm hoping the local uni. I would like to begin with getting an actual profession. I know that I'm too slow for retail or the like. I gotta plan ahead and make sure I don't end up in the wrong place, else it'll be the spite-hate cycle all over again.
 Continue wardrobe painting, if not finish. Always a nice project to work on.
 Seek help for a better sleep schedule and derma.

I think 5 resolutions are more than enough for 2019. Let us drink to a good year from here on in, my dear readers!  

~Deery  

Yooo!

A. LOT. Has transpired this year. I finished high school, went to a country that was NOT Latvia for once, got much more in touch with my creative side, and finally got a new PC. I can finally catch up with video games at my own pace, my goodness. I also managed to become more confident, understand myself better... I branded 2018 a year of hope, healing and recovery. 2018 was just that for me. Granted, I still have some issues with my sleeping pattern and dermatillomania, but therapy costs money. Might have to write to the school psychologist to get some contacts tho. Hm. Well I'll see how it all progresses next. 2019 will be a rocky road compared to 2018, I feel it. In any case, I deem 2018 a success. On either 31st December or 1st January, I will also reveal 2018's resolutions once more and see if I managed to fulfill any of them. But until then, I stole a meme from to celebrate a great 2018.

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2018

(x) stayed single for the whole year (too easy)
( ) kissed in the snow 
(x) celebrated Halloween (burning scented candles totally counts)
( ) kissed in the rain 
( ) had your heart broken 
(x) broke someone else's heart (a friend, in this case, because I'm stupid like that)
( ) had a stalker 
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone (must be a USA thing)
( ) had/have a good relationship with someone 
( ) had/have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe 

( ) took an advanced class (USA thing)
( ) broke the dress code (no dress code here either)
( ) sent to the principles office for misbehavior
(x) got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like 
( ) met one teacher you really hated (the last time I saw the History hag was in 2017, so no)
( ) failed a class
( ) skipped school 
(x) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
(x) proved yourself an idiot (too easy)
( ) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher 
( ) intentionally tripped someone at school 
( ) made a varsity team (USA thing)
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget 

(x) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem 
( ) ran a mile 
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch (USA)
(x) posted a blog 
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) went to a sleepover 
( ) went camping 
( ) threw a surprise party 
( ) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country (France and Germany babey)
( ) cut in a line of waiting people 
( ) told someone you were busy when you weren't 
(x) partied to celebrate the new year (soon... will be a quiet party tho)
( ) cooked a disastrous meal 
(x) lost something/someone important to you 

(x) broke a promise 
(x) lied 
( ) went behind your parents back 
(x) cried over a broken heart 
(x) disappointed someone close 
(x) hid a secret 
(x) pretended to be happy 
( ) slept next to someone of the opposite sex 
( ) slept under the stars 
(x) kept your new years resolution (a few of em, as I'm looking into it now... but will write more abt it soon)
(x) forgot your new years resolution
( ) facetimed someone for over 4 hours
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols 
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
( ) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country 
(x) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive 
(x) learned something new about yourself 
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it 
(x) made a change in your life 
( ) had a relationship past 10 months 
(x) found out who your true friends were 
(x) stayed up 'til sunrise
( ) cried over the silliest thing
( ) had your first kiss 
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident 
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you 
(x) had someone close to you die 
( ) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
( ) driven a car 
( ) went to the beach with your best friend 
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
(x) been told "I love you" 
(x) told someone you love them
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
( ) fell asleep on someone 

(x) became closer with a lot of people
( ) Got a new piercing.
(x) Dyed my hair. 
( ) Ended a relationship.
( ) Started a new relationship.
(x) Been on a long car/bus journey. 
(x) Passed an exam.
(x) Met someone who's now an important part of your life.
(x) Cried on someone's shoulder. 
(x) Received flowers. 
( ) Had a Valentine.
(x) Gone to see a therapist (only the school psychologist on behalf of a friend but I should talk to her again to get a real therapist)
( ) Been prescribed medication by a doctor. 
(x) Read a really good book. 
( ) Went to the zoo. 
( ) Spent too much money on unnecessary things.
(x) Traveled by train. (does a metro count?)
(x) Spent the day out in the sun getting a tan. (I was forced to, but I still ended up pale LMAO) 
( ) cried in front of someone you adore 
( ) Slammed a door out of frustration. 
( ) Had an anxiety attack. 
(x) Babysat for a friend's child. (watching over my l'il bro probably counts)
( ) Had a BBQ 
( ) Went to the fair. 
( ) Went bowling. 
( ) Seen a film at the cinema in 3D 
( ) Went on a date. 

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MYAHH. That is all for now. Have a good day/night, dear reader!

~Deery